Tuesday, June 03, 2008

John here:

Ahhh. Just got back from a weekend in Portland OR. That city is CIVILIZED! Free downtown transit, loads of affordable heritage buildings, very liveable rents, three hours from Seattle and a day's drive from San Francisco. Also lots of public art and a healthy sex-positive circus / burner freak culture which seems to convene every Sunday at Dante's Inferno to strip and breathe fire. We played two great shows, and even managed to wade through some IRS red tape unscathed. And met some VERY fun people who we hope to meet up with and possibly make out with when we return in a few weeks.

It gets me thinking, though. Neither Cass nor I have had much luck finding lovers in our home town - wherever it may be. This has occurred both in Toronto and now back here in Vancouver again.

When we're on tour, though, look out! We seem to have no difficulty meeting amazing poly people who are right on our wavelength. Which leads me to wonder why. Is it partly the starfucker thing? (We are after all minor celebrities in a very particular and slutty subculture.) In some ways, the fact that we've just been onstage provides an easy in to start a conversation - for us or for others. Or is it that we both feel more attractive when we have just pulled off a good show and gotten applause? (And if so, then what do we think we're lacking when we move through the world as civilians?) Or is it that these friends we only get to see occasionally seem like less of an emotional risk (to us as individuals &/or to us as a couple) than a lover who lives down the block?

Any other poly people care to weigh in with their experiences in this department?


Anonymous said...

I don't necessarily think it's a distance thing. My husband and I are poly and have been for a number of years, yet finding dating partners sucks. Here's the deal... when single and unattached, it's difficult enough to find someone you might "click" well enough with to become involved. Now, add kink in. You've narrowed that pool down some. Not a LOT, but some. NOW add in polyamory. You have just successfully divided that original pool into a very small and specific group of people. Now, out of those people, how many are the types you will "click" with and want to date? The probabilities of finding partners are staggeringly against us if you think about it. So, going to larger cities, you have more people. More people means more population density for your preferred interest. Voila! More potentials!

Then again, I could be blowing smoke up your ass without asking permission.

wetspots said...

Aneyah, I agree. We have good luck and many lovers in big cities. However, Vancouver BC is BIG! Bigger than Portland by far. But no luck in our home town. Which makes me ponder other factors.

Klaus Barry said...

There's something different about someone from Out Of Town. First of all, I know it's going to be a temporary hookup. We will hopefully remain friends, but nobody's going to be bringing a lot of baggage into my life. (Cue the "what does a lesbian bring to the second date" joke.)

Second, and this is very important, I have one shot, which is right now. For better or worse, I have to take it. I'm all keyed up to see the exciting visitors, I'm dressing up and looking forward to the occasion, I'm going to be on the top of the game... "it's time to raise the curtain on the muppet show tonight."

With someone in town, I can hold back and wait until I'm feeling more confident... which may never happen.

It's related to how I found myself going to fewer play parties when I lived in the SF bay area. There are many good play spaces, each hosting a party most nights and two on weekends. And invitations aren't hard to arrange once you're plugged in. So I can get naked and nasty in semi-public any day of the week.

Which means that I end up waiting for a special occasion. In Toronto, a good play party is a special occasion. I mark it on my calendar and eagerly anticipate it.

In SF, after an initial binge, unless someone specifically invited me, I kept asking myself "why is this night different from all other nights" and ended up not going because I could always do it later.

The special occasions for me were the SM flea and the Folsom St. Fair. (Everyone kinky must attend the Folsom St. Fair at least once before they die.)